Extract from 1066 and All That

With the ascension of Charles I to the throne we come at last to the Central Period of English History (not to be confused with the Middle Ages, of course), consisting in the utterly memorable Struggle between the Cavaliers (Wrong but Wromantic) and the Roundheads (Right and Repulsive).
Charles I was a Cavalier King and therefore had a small pointed beard, long flowing curls, a large, flat, flowing hat, and gay attire. The Roundheads, on the other hand, were clean-shaven and wore tall, conical hats, white ties, and sombre garments. Under these circumstances a Civil War was inevitable.
The
Roundheads, of course, were so called because Cromwell had all their
heads made perfectly round, in order that they should present a uniform
appearance when drawn up in line.
Besides
this, if any man lost his head in action, it could be used as a
cannon-ball by the artillery (which was done at the Siege of Worcester).
For a
long time before the Civil War, however, Charles had been quarrelling
with the Roundheads about what was right. Charles explained that there
was a doctrine called the Divine Right of Kings, which said that:
(a) He
was King, and that was right.
(b)
Kings were divine, and that was right.
(c)
Kings were right, and that was right.
(d)
Everything was all right.
But so
determined were the Roundheads that all this was all wrong that they
drew up a Petition called the Petition of Right to show in more detail
which things were wrong. This Petition said:
(a)
That it was wrong for anyone to be put to death more than once for the
same offence.
(b)
Habeas Corpus, which meant that it was wrong if people were put in
prison except for some reason, and that people who had been mutilated by
the King, such as Prynne, who had often had his ears cut off, should
always be allowed to keep their bodies.
(c)
That Charles’s memorable methods of getting money, such as Rummage and
Scroungeage, were wrong. But the most important cause of the Civil War
was Ship Money
Charles
I said that any money which was Ship Money belonged to him; but while
the Roundheads declared that Ship Money could be found only in the Cinq
Ports, Charles maintained that no one but the King could guess right
which was Ship Money and which wasn’t. This was, of course, part of his
Divine Right. The climax came when a villager called Hampden (memorable
for his dauntless breast) advised the King to divine again. This so
upset Charles that he went back to Westminster, and after cinquing
several ports burst into the House of Commons and asked in a very royal
way for some birds which he said were in there. The Parliament, who were
mostly Puritans, were so shocked that they began making solemn Leagues
and Countenances. Charles therefore became very angry and complaining
that the birds had flown raised his standard at Nottingham and declared
war against Hampden and the Roundheads.
The War
At
first the King was successful owing to Prince Rupert of Hentzau, his
famous cavalry leader, who was very dashing in all directions. After
this, many indecisive battles were fought at such places as Newbury,
Edgehill, Newbury, Chalgrove Field, Newbury, etc., in all of which the
Cavaliers were rather victorious.
The
Roundheads therefore made a new plan in order to win the war after all.
This was called the Self Denying Ordnance and said that everyone had to
deny everything he had done up to that date, and that nobody was allowed
to admit who he was: thus the war could be started again from the
beginning. When the Roundheads had done this they were called the New
Moral Army and were dressed up as Ironclads and put under the command of
Oliver Cromwell, whose Christian name was Oliver and who was therefore
affectionately known as `Old Nick’. Cromwell was not only moral and
completely round in the head but had a large (round) wart on the nose.
He was consequently victorious in all the remaining battles such as
Newbury, Marston Moor, Edgehill (change for Chalgrove), Naseby, Newbury,
etc.
Blood
and Ironclads
When
Charles I had been defeated he was brought to trial by the Rump
Parliament so-called because it had been sitting for such a long time
and was found guilty of being defeated in a war against himself, which
was, of course, a form of High Treason. He was therefore ordered by
Cromwell to go and have his head cut off (it was, the Roundheads pointed
out, the wrong shape, anyway). So wromantic was Charles, however, that
this made little difference to him and it is very memorable that he
walked and talked Half an hour after his Head was cut off.
On
seeing this, Cromwell was so angry that he picked up the mace (the new
and terrible Instrument of Government which he had invented) and,
pointing it at the Head, shouted: `Take away that Marble,’ and announced
that his policy in future would be just Blood and Ironclads. In order to
carry out this policy he divided the country into twelve districts and
set a Serjeant-Major over each of them.
Rule of
the Serjeant-Majors
Nothing
sickened the people of the rule of the Serjeant Majors so much as their
cruel habit of examining little boys viva-voce. For this purpose the
unfortunate children were dressed in their most uncomfortable satins and
placed on a stool. The Serjeant-Major would then ask such difficult
questions as `How’s your Father?’ or `Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral?’
and those who could not answer were given a cruel medicine called
Pride’s Purge. All this was called the Crommonwealth and was right but
repulsive.
The
Crowning Mercy
The
Roundheads at length decided to offer Cromwell the Crown. Cromwell,
however, was unwilling and declared it was a Crowning Mercy when he
found that it would not fit, having been designed for a Cavalier King.
Soon
after, Cromwell died of a surfeit of Pride, Purges, Warts, and other
Baubles.
Charles
II was always very merry and was therefore not so much a king as a
Monarch. During the civil war he had rendered valuable assistance to his
father’s side by hiding in all the oak-trees he could find. He was thus
very wromantic and popular and was able after the death of Cromwell to
descend to the throne. After that he stopped being arboreal.